Paint Splattered Teardrops
by Hannahmayski
Summary: Everything was bound to catch up to Sai eventually, but luckily for him he has the best adoptive dads Konoha has to offer.


**Summary: "** _ **Emotions will make you weak, child.**_ **Sai had lived by those words once but now he finds himself floating, unable to find any ledge to hold onto. He's floating in the middle of nothing with not a clue what do next.**

 **The raft that once kept him afloat was swept away when Danzou died. His whole purpose in life was the mission and now, with Danzou's demise, the mission is over."**

 **Everything was bound to catch up to Sai eventually, but luckily for him he has the best adoptive dads Konoha has to offer.**

The memorial stone holds the names of many Konoha-nin who lost their lives in the line of duty. But their names represent much more than just a fleeting mention of thanks. Their names are symbolic of Konoha's strength, and the people who've made the ultimate sacrifice to keep it strong.

Sai stands in front of the stone and doesn't know what to do.

He thinks of the ROOT members who had taken fatal blows to save another comrades life - to save his own life on some occasions. He thinks of those who'd thrown themselves into certain death if it meant completing the mission and he wonders if Danzou's training ever worked. Such determination is surely not expected of someone with no emotions.

The memorial stone holds no ROOT members because ROOT members don't matter. ROOT members don't exist. They live only for the mission and nothing more.

Sai never thought he'd ever have a problem with that until now.

He thinks of his brother, giving himself up so Sai could live and he thinks how he _failed_.

Sai is a good assassin. A very good assassin. He's a shadow, a ghost. He's not meant to see the shinobi system from this perspective – as incomplete, damaged and hurting and destroying its best shinobi all in the name of a village. He can see he's nothing but a puppet. he's been built to serve and he's meant to serve until it kills him. He was one of Danzou's best operatives, his missions had an almost 100% success rate. Sai was a weapon and he wasn't anything more than that.

But, Shin wanted him to _live_ and it's taken Sai his entire life to even scrape the surface of the weight of that word.

The sun hasn't risen yet but Sai's head provides ample amount of reasons to avoid sleep if he can.

Sai closes his eyes and fights the urge to revert back to Danzou's training - _suppress, suppress, suppress it all. Emotions will make you weak, child_. He'd lived by those words once but now he finds himself floating, unable to find any ledge to hold onto. He's floating in the middle of nothing with not a clue what do next.

The raft that once kept him afloat was swept away when Danzou died. His whole purpose in life was the mission and now, with Danzou's demise, the mission is over.

He finds himself wanting to _feel_. He wants to smile from happiness, to laugh like he means it, to make bonds but he's scared. He's never wanted anything as much as this before.

Danzou had always said emotions would make you weak, useless and redundant but he still wants it. He's never refused a direct order from Danzou but he _wants_ it. The feeling of want is a foreign concept but it grates on him, eats away at his stomach and pulls at his thoughts and never leaves him alone.

Sai is not sure what that means, to want to want to disobey Danzou.

Well, he does - it means all of Sai's training has become meaningless. It means that Sai is no longer useful. It means that he must be removed. His expiry date has passed. He is no longer of any use. Because ROOT shinobi have no past or future or name. ROOT shinobi live only for the mission and Sai couldn't even do that.

He rips open his eyes and wonders why his hands have started shaking and his heart is beating wildly in his chest and he can't fucking _breathe_ anymore. He sees Danzou in his head. Leaning over him, his hand reaching out, sharingan blazing. He is useless and so he must be disposed of.

Danzou's hand closes around his face and Sai can feel bile rising in his throat, his legs are shaking and he realises his eyes burn. He shouldn't feel this way. He'd always known what would happen if he became useless, if any ROOT shinobi let themselves feel. He's watched it before. Watched Danzou incinerate a ROOT shinobi who'd found a friend worth protecting when they should have felt nothing at all.

But Danzou is still there and his sharingan is whirling in its socket and Sai can feel himself slipping, falling and he doesn't want to die. He's found people to live for and he's not ready to die just yet. He's not ready - `

Sai is sitting on the ground with his head between his knees and realises his breaths are coming out as pants and his vision is blurry. He feels like he's going to be sick.

There's a hand resting between his shoulder blades, rubbing small circles.

There's water on his face and it takes Sai an awfully long moment to realise that they're tears. He reaches up and wipes futilely at them as more leak out. It's an odd feeling. He hasn't cried in years. His throat burns, his eyes burn and he feels like he's fraying at the edges.

The hand moves from his back and instead takes the bicep of his arm in a careful grip and tugs gently in prompting. He looks up and forces himself to breathe.

The first one is embarrassingly shaky but he forces himself to take another one.

It takes him another long moment to realise the shinobi crouching next to him is encouraging him. He breathes in again and holds it for a moment and then releases it under the shinobi's instruction.

He still feels… uncomfortable. His skin is clammy, he can still feel tears rolling down his cheeks and he's sure his legs won't support him if he tries to stand and he _hates_ that. Danzou is dead, but Sai wonders how long it will take to kill the Danzou that's living in his head.

Yet, the shinobi crouching next to him doesn't seem to care.

Sai wipes his eyes again and takes in the shinobi in front of him. Brown hair that could be passed off as dark red and a backwards bandanna. There's a senbon in his mouth and his eyes are soft, looking at Sai with something – patience, understanding or maybe neither of them.

The shinobi shoots him a crooked smile and tucks the senbon into his pocket with the hand that's not carefully around Sai's arm.

"You alright, squirt?" the shinobi's voice is calm and level, as though finding a shinobi crying in the early hours of the morning is normal. Sai wonders if he'll ever be able to truly understand emotions if people keep doing strange things like helping random strangers for no apparent reason.

Sai forces himself to nod and he slowly stretches his legs out. He's… embarrassed and Sai immediately decides this emotion is not a pleasant one.

The shinobi moves his hand from his arm and ruffles his hair. "The name's Genma. You got a name, or am I just gonna have to call you squirt?"

Genma – Sai's sure he's heard either Kakashi or Yamato mention that name before – smiles again, urging him on.

"Sai" his voice is hoarse but he forces himself to ignore it.

"Well," Genma starts and he puts one arm around Sai's waist and the other underneath his legs. Sai feels his eyes widen and Genma lets out a noise of amusement. "Food makes everyone feel better, do you like udon?"

Sai forces himself to relax against Genma who's made it more than clear that he has no intention of hurting him and considers the question. He may have had it once with Shin maybe. He can't really remember. Sai's never really had the option to _dislike_ something. It promotes personality and that was what Danzou was doing his best to destroy.

Sai blinks against the sudden rays of rising sun in his face as Genma walks away and nods. He forces Danzou out of his thoughts and focuses on Genma's hands holding him up, the flakes of gold in his eyes, the rustle of leaves underfoot, the feel of the sun on his skin.

He focuses on the _now_. Kakashi and Yamato had told him to do this if he felt overwhelmed and Sai makes a mental note to ask the two if they had any more advice for him.

The silence is oddly pleasant as they walk and it isn't broken until they reach the shinobi apartment areas and Genma shifts him slightly in his arms. Sai's legs still feel wobbly and he can't help but be thankful that Genma is so good at reading people and knew of Sai's current physical limits.

"I live in there," he gestures with his head to one of the buildings "with Raidou. He's a shinobi too and the one making the udon." Genma takes a breath and Sai can't help be impressed. He's carried Sai a fair way and has shown practically no signs of struggle until now, he wonders if Genma will train with him if he were to ask.

Sai tenses and he knows Genma notices too. He can't help the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach – what would Danzou think of him? Wanting to get stronger, wanting to be trained by another shinobi for fun, being reduced to being carried due to emotional compromise, he's become so _useless_ and -

"Sai!"

The voice is sharp and full of authority, enough to startle him out of his thoughts. Sai blinks against the tears again and forces himself to focus of Genma, the _present_. Danzou is dead. And he is not coming back.

For some reason, that seems to be the hardest part.

Genma still holds him tightly, his brow creased slightly but Sai doesn't think he's angry, just… concerned he thinks the word is.

"You're on Kakashi's and Yamato's team now yeah?" Genma says and starts walking again. He reaches the apartment complex and somehow manoeuvres himself to open the door. The air is colder inside but refreshingly so.

"Yes, I am," Sai says and wonders if Genma is unfazed by Sai's panic and embarrassing weakness as much he outwardly shows.

Genma walks down the dimly lit hall and continues "Mm, Yamato and Kakashi have given you advice on how to deal with trauma symptoms?" From the little experience Sai has had with emotions, he can't sense any mocking or cruelty in his voice. He knows what that sounds like now.

Yamato had sounded the same when they'd talked about dealing with the emotional backlash of ROOT's training. Kakashi had sounded the same when he had told Sai about coping methods.

Their voices were… understanding, patient and worn in a way that Sakura had said their captains are probably talking about experiences they have had themselves.

Genma's tone is the same. He does not raise his voice, does not snicker. His voice remains level.

Sai nods again and helps Genma open the doorknob to the apartment. Genma turns sideways and walks through the door kicking it shut behind him.

"Good. Make sure to ask them about anything that's worrying you or you're not sure about. You can always come to me as well." Genma sets him down on the couch of the living room and rolls his shoulders.

There's a noise of greeting from the kitchen and Genma ruffles his hair. "That's Raidou. Wait here squirt, I'll be back in a sec."

Sai figures it's useless to tell him his legs are still too unstable for him to be moving very far anyway but stops himself, it's likely Genma already knows.

There is soft chatter from the kitchen and the sound of stacked bowls been moved around and Sai feels his muscles relax.

It's unexpected. He's not sure how he's supposed to feel. Genma is kind and Sai is not sure what he's supposed to do. He feels comfortable despite this been the first time he's even spoken to Genma.

Sai looks up and Genma and Raidou enter the room, bowls in hand.

Raidou lowers the bowl into Sai's lap carefully, hands him some chopsticks and smiles. It's not a perfect smile, Sai notes. Lopsided due to the scar across his nose and cheek but still significantly less crooked than Genma's. It's imperfect and perfect all at the same time and it's ridiculous because how had he not noticed the beauty of a smile before?

His time in ROOT had stopped him from noticing these 'insignificant' aspects before. It was not relevant to the mission so it didn't matter. Not much mattered while he was in ROOT, but – as he accepts the bowl from Raidou's hand and introduces himself – in the time that Danzou has been dead he's gained more than he ever thought possible.

Raidou ruffles his hair and sits next to him while Genma perches himself on the arm of the couch.

The two shinobi are content in each other's company and Sai's company as well.

It's surreal – to be surrounded by older shinobi who aren't solely interested in Sai's ability as a weapon and instead are far more concerned about his _well-being_.

It's ridiculous.

He doesn't hate it though; in fact, it seems to be quite the opposite. He still feels slightly chilled from being outside but unlike before the warm feeling in his chest keeps getting bigger, keeps growing.

At first, he thought there was something wrong with him but when he'd asked Sakura and Naruto they'd both told him that it's a good feeling, it means that he feels _included_.

And isn't that something.

For so long he wasn't anybody. He didn't matter to anyone and there were only a handful of people who knew of his existence and none of them cared about him. Not beyond whether or not he was mission fit and here he is with all these people caring about him.

It's overwhelming and disorientating but it's also the best thing that's ever happened to him.

Genma shares a look with Raidou and they both look solemnly at their bowls.

"You know," Raidou starts "If we're going to be feeding children we really need to sort out our diet…"

Genma glances down at his udon and then at his watch. He presses his lips together and nods. "We're both terrible, Rai. We can't let kids eat heavy food so early"

Genma pats Sai's head and removes himself from the couch. He lifts his hand up to cover his mouth as he yawns. Raidou chuckles at him and reaches up, pulling Genma's bandanna off.

"Go to bed Gen, I've got it don't worry," Raidou says softly.

Genma smiles at Sai, strips off his Jounin vest and gives Sai a little wave. "I'll see you later then, okay? Make sure to look after yourself."

Raidou shoos him off, mumbling about mother hen tendencies and slurps up the last of the udon.

He shoots Sai a look, brows frowned in concern. "Do you feel okay now? You can stay here as long as you need, Genma just got back from his last mission and I don't have to be anywhere at the moment so don't worry about that"

Sai nods and finds himself considering the offer.

It's not that he doesn't like his own apartment but… it's always cold. It's a room that he sleeps in and he's never been able to see it as much more than that. He's never been able to consider it a home.

It's just a room and it's only recently he's tried to make it look like it's lived in – Lee and Naruto had both bought him a plant each and Yamato had made him a wooden figurine of himself holding a paintbrush that now sits on his bedside table.

It's better than it was, but it will take a while.

He now has paintings hanging up on the walls – one of Naruto and Sakura standing together is the one he likes that one the most. It's more than just a painting of a tree, or a flower – they're people who are involved in his life, that he might dare call friends. They're not simply there because Sai's on their team, they hang out outside of missions. They are people that Sai finds himself caring about.

He looks over at Raidou and tries his for a smile. He's not sure if it comes off okay but Raidou echoes one back so he figures something about that was right.

His apartment is slowly becoming a home of sorts but, what's wrong with making other homes along the way?

"I'm alright, thanks to Genma and you. I'd like to stay for a while if you don't mind" He trails off at the end and feels his face heat up against his will. He grips the bowl in his hands and hopes he didn't sound rude.

Raidou grins and ruffles his hair. "Good. I was hoping I wouldn't have to convince you, Genma would kill me if I just let you wander off!"

Sai feels his lips turn upwards before he realises what he's doing – he's _smiling_ – and for once it's not fake or forced, for once it's genuine.

He relishes in Raidou's touch and helps Raidou take the bowls to the kitchen listening intently as Raidou re-tells a story of another time Genma had tried to adopt an obscene amount of cats, smiling all the way.

 _Huh_ , Sai thinks _I think I just got myself adopted. Again._

 **I'm making this as genrai day 7 bc that's what I originally wanted it to be even though Sai kind of took over... whoops**

 **I wrote Sai with trauma symptoms in mind, however, I suppose you could view it as PTSD... anyway I hope you enjoyed it!**


End file.
